Thursday, November 8, 2012

How the election was really won

American liberals have a lot to celebrate after the election on Tuesday. Not only was President Barack Obama re-elected, but ballot initiatives to legalize same-sex marriage passed in three states, a record number of women were elected to the US Senate, and anti-choice rape apologists (such as Todd "legitimate rape" Akin and Richard "rape is a gift from God" Mourdock) were defeated, just to name a few. This post over at Shakesville rounds up many of the victories, and even more are mentioned in the comment thread.

Naturally, Republicans and their supporters are pretty disappointed. Some of the reactions from the right have been pretty extreme, from declaring that Obama is the anti-Christ and the world will soon be ending, to calling for an exodus to Canada, Europe or Australia (I don't think they thought that through very well), to calling for a revolution and saying the election was stolen. I have a couple of things I'd like to say to them. First:

While many dedicated Americans worked very hard on campaigns that helped Barack Obama get re-elected, in addition to all the other progressive victories, they were not working alone. Since the election is now over, it's safe to reveal the truth: they were aided by a vast conspiracy of gay feminist socialist Canadians.

That's right, right-wingers: you really can blame Canada for this one.

It all started in May of last year, when Stephen Harper's Conservatives won a majority of the seats in the House of Commons. While the Tories aren't quite as scary as the GOP, they've been studying the Republican handbook, and it's all getting programmed into the HarperTron. (What, you didn't know he was really a robot? The conspiracy does.) We feared that one day, Canada might not be the liberal paradise it is today, and we needed to secure our future by ensuring that we had someplace to go in things got really bad. Thus a coalition of gay feminist socialist Canadians was born, and we turned our attention on the United States.

First, obviously, we needed to make sure that people could get gay married if we were forced to emigrate. This was tricky; you Americans keep putting gay marriage on the ballot, and it was always defeated. Many states voted to enact bans on sam-sex marriages, and Minnesota was poised to be the next state to do so. We couldn't let that happen. Members of the gay feminist socialist Canadian conspiracy were dispatched, and the ballot initiative failed. We also ensured that same-sex marriages were legalized in three states-- Maryland, Maine and Washington-- marking the first time that Americans voted in favour of marriage equality (though, of course, they had plenty of help). Finally, we needed to see one of our own in government, so we pushed hard for the election of Tammy Baldwin, the first-ever openly gay Senator.

Now, there were a number of anti-choice candidates running for Senate and Congress who made some truly horrific comments regarding rape. Once again, members of the gay feminist socialist Canadian conspiracy were dispatched, and those candidates all fell over like dominos. It was another victory for liberal Americans and the conspiracy.

Next, we needed some good, socialist representation. The re-election of Bernie Sanders was pretty much a guarantee, so the gay feminist socialist Canadian conspiracy set to work on ensuring the election of Elizabeth Warren as well. She won, and the conspiracy claimed another victory-- quietly, of course, at least until now.

Finally, we needed to clinch the presidency for Barack Obama, or else all the other victories we worked so hard for could be undone by Romney. Obama wasn't our first choice-- ideally, we'd have Zombie Jack Layton as a candidate-- but he's a hell of a lot better than the other guy running. Guaranteeing the re-election was the tricky part. First, the gay feminist socialist Canadian conspiracy had to infiltrate the New York Times and gain the allegiance of blogger and poll aggregator Nate Silver. We had intelligence stating that he really is a witch, though not in the way people are thinking. The reason why his election forecast model is so perfect is because he's able to magically manipulate the election results themselves, which is why the gay feminist socialist Canadian conspiracy needed him. Had his model predicted a Romney win, all our ground work would have been for naught. Fortunately, Silver is a Democrat, so he was only too happy to help us.

So there it is, Republicans: this is the real reason why you lost. Your garbage policies and hateful candidates didn't help, but in the end it all came down to a gay feminist socialist Canadian conspiracy working to turn America into a progressive paradise.

We'll see you in 2016.

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